We See Through A Glass Darkly

When I accepted my young husband's proposal of marriage I could not have foreseen the things ahead that I would experience or suffer. All I saw on that day was joy, excitement and passion. I could not have foreseen that "come grow old with me" was not to be. There were so many things I didn't see wrapped up in the thirty four years we would spend together. I didn't see the birth of our daughter or the many operations we would all endure to help her find normalcy in a world expecting perfection. I wouldn't see the birth and sudden death of our second born, but nonetheless precious son. I wouldn't see us moving south and setting roots in the southwest. I couldn't see my husband giving his life to God and the realization that I too needed to surrender my life to God.

All of these hidden things that I didn't see in his proposal would leave marks in my life. All of the things I've lived through have made an impact on my heart. The biggest thing I couldn't or didn't see was God walking me through each and every step I would take. Now mind you I did make sure we were married in a church. I chose a Christian church to be sure. My roots were planted in Christianity, but my surrender to faith towards God would take my husband kneeling on the floor of our tiny rent house in an unremarkable town in New Mexico.

Life is like a foggy mirror after one has showered. You know there's an image to be seen, but you can't make out all the details. God who is able to see the end from the beginning won't allow humans to do the same. He knows we might not step out in faith if we saw all the pain and suffering before the journey began!

I chose my title carefully. It comes from 1 Corinthians 13; the "love" chapter. Why? Because God in His infinite love desires to walk us through every aspect of life. He wants the seeds of faith He has entrusted with us to be sown in love so they will produce abundantly. For this reason we see through or in the looking glass of life darkly or in shadows.

Salvation is all about someone being in trouble and someone being in a place to help or rescue. God knew before He placed the first person on the planet that trouble was coming. He set up the "fail safe" plan of salvation before creation! Yeshua/Jesus is called a lamb slain before the foundation of the earth. God manifested His son to destroy the works of the adversary. He didn't see through or in a glass darkly, He saw every hard thing every human would suffer and He purposed to put it on Himself by putting it on His volunteer representative, His Son.

Each day I choose to live in has the potential to be good or to be notso good. I have the ability to allow God's grace to transform it into something productive or destructive, but I get to choose. I may see in part, but I know my Father has seen what is ahead and through love will see me all the way to my end here on this blue marble we call home. It really isn't my home. I'm drawn away from it daily by the ones who have left this place for planet heaven. The man I shared thirty four years of joy and sorrow calls me "Come be young with me, the best is yet to be".


- love never fails.

Mourning Songs

Missing Tick tock tick tock once again I hear the clock. I'm awake and in my chair. Tears are running in my hair. The bed's too big cause you're not there. Tick tock it's three o'clock. The silence in my ears is screaming and no longer am I dreaming. Will this nightmare ever end. My lover's gone and so's my friend. Missing.... Come and Go I scanned the cemetery and saw countless headstones knowing I was not alone and yet I could not shake that feeling. Why was I so solitary in my sorrow? My friend stood by me with such knowing. She had already walked this way, in another cemetery on another day. Committed to the dirt and to the clay, her lover she had left yet she must stay. She held my hand that day and helped me walk my way. Through the sorrow and must dos of death. The check list grew but I was unaware of it just go and do. The robot queen stepped in my place, doing dishes, smiling in my stead. Go and do and then one day the tears would not stay away. I couldn't put away this sorrow in a drawer or closet, it was here to stay for a week, a month or just a day? No one can tell me. Grief sits on my windowsill, like the dust that comes and goes and comes. I wipe it away and turn and see, "Oh you're back". I'm forced to say. Sorrow you're much too close a friend, I want this relationship to end. You don't need to come just go, but alas I have no control. So I grab your hand, suffering too. We have so much to go and do. Embracing these powered twins, I face each day and walk the walk. Tear streaked face, I must live and not die. Pushed on by some invisible grace, oh God you're here to see me through. Until my time to come to you. That's right it's all about coming home. My lover's gone, but there with you. So I hold onto my other friends, and siblings... We all must walk this way, in another cemetery on another day. Our suitcases we will not pack, on this journey there are no bags. With you there will be no needs, just go and be with you. You're the reason I go on. So many do not know, that Love takes us from this place. Some too young, others older still we leave. Darkness on the faces here, tear streaked hearts, not your doing God. You say, "Light be", and hope finds a place in chaos. You mold the universe with your dream and word. You kill a lamb who becomes a lion and we join your dream...and so I go and do to bring the goats and sheep to you.

Warning Will Robinson!!!

Deuteronomy{10:17} For the LORD your God [is] God of gods, and Lord of lords, a great God, a mighty, and a terrible, which regardeth not persons, nor taketh reward: {10:18} He doth execute the judgment of the fatherless and widow, and loveth the stranger, in giving him food and raiment.

God takes such excellent care of the widow and the orphan, but we must renew our faith constantly as widows. Why? Because the adversary is as opposite as opposite can be in comparison to God. He delights in stealing from widows, in lying to widows, in trapping widows, in afflicting widows and persecuting them at every opportunity. He is the Snidley Whiplash of the dark realms.

God watches over widows and orphans and uses a quick blade on those who afflict them.  Exodus 22:22!

It isn't fun to be afflicted, but affliction comes for the word's sake. The enemy is waiting to consume any word of God spoken by God or man. He has a prescribed period of time that he can mess with a person, but if we resist him using the word itself he must flee.

Submit to God, resist the devil and he will flee!

Use these verses when you know you're being afflicted. Thank God for His execution of justice! Thank Him until the affliction ends. The more thanksgiving, the sooner the thing will pass.

What's Sex Got to do with It?

Being a widow has created a huge list of questions that I've put before the Father. I know that many of my friends joke about sex, but on the whole I get the feeling that they could take it or leave it. I thought the same thing when I could be intimate with my husband, but now he's gone! I'm young. I'm still sexual. So God, what about sex? What do we do now that we are alone?

Paul said widows under the age of 60 should remarry because they tend to lust or "burn" and grow away from God. HELP God.

If you're a widow and have heard an answer, please comment. All others please leave room for widows to respond as I can tell you that you have NO idea what it is to live in the shoes of a woman who has lost her spouse. I've lost children and it didn't compare to the mourning process I'm living through today.

I realize the graphic and open nature of this subject. I think we've skirted the issues of everyday life long enough. Paul was bold enough to say something so I am bold enough to put this out there. Hoping for some responses, believing God will respond as well.

Fear Not

One of the greatest obstacles I've had to overcome (and continue to work on) as a widow is fear. It manifests itself in so many different ways that it can and has snuck up on me more times than I care to recall. I know that fear is an enemy to humanity so my situation isn't unique, it's simply my situation so it's more personal to me right this moment. The word of God declares that "perfect love" casts out fear. The only way to access perfect love is to remain in contact with God on a perpetual basis. We are told to pray without ceasing. We mustn't shun this advice out of religious ideology regarding prayer. Prayer is both worship and communication with God through His spirit. If we take on the attitude that we are talking to God with every word we speak our words will be better chosen. God promises to "inhabit" the praises of His people. If our words are carefully chosen and we regularly thank God for those things He HAS promised in His word we line ourselves up to receive answers from Him. Perfect love speaks of completion and maturity. When we read 1 Corinthians 13 and run through the list of love it's obvious that love takes self control on a higher or more mature level. We grow as we act upon the word. The more patience and long suffering we practice, the more we will have to give. Love is patient. Patience isn't putting up with a given situation, but putting faith in God to confirm His word with signs following. Just as a farmer sows seeds and is patient for the harvest knowing if he tends the seed he WILL reap a harvest. We patiently wait for God's word to produce a harvest once we've sown the seed and tended it. In time we will reap IF we faint not. God fully expects His word to produce. We too must trust His seed to do what He sent it to do. Mark 9:23 tells us, "If you can believe, all things are possible to him that believes". Widows are faced with what seems like unending sorrow and impossible situations. Our souls are rent when our husbands die. Surreal is how our situations feel so much of the time. People don't want to be faced with the sorrow and suffering we are experiencing so they tend to hide from us. There are those, however, who go out of their way to help the widow. God puts something special in those people. Thank God for these special gifts to the Body!!! I am confident I will survive widowhood and join the ranks of successful single folks across the planet. The journey gets easier with each passing day. As I speak to other widows I can see that this road is a tough one, but not insurmountable! I believe I will come out on the positive side of this valley of the shadow of death for with God on my side I shall fear NO evil. Praise His Holy name - love never fails.