Letting Go

I'm not sure what I was thinking before I left Texas for Wyoming, but facing numerous memories of my husband's and my past wasn't in my plans. I blindly drove towards my parent's home with only the thought of making it to my daily destination in mind. I arrived in Colorado Springs and realized if I continued I would be facing rush hour traffic in Denver! NOT!!! So I found a dog friendly motel and I and my little dog stopped for the night. After braving the downtown traffic of Denver at the lunch hour, I found my brother's oasis of a home deep in the city! My time with my youngest brother was very restful and i had to make myself leave Continuing onto Westminster I met with close friends and the memories began flooding my soul. I wept with the beloved couple as we recalled Jeff and talked of widowhood and its many hardships.

Life has a way of throwing unexpected curves at you and I got a big one after I arrived in Buffalo. My husband and I had very few shared memories in this tiny tree laden village in the mountains. However, my mother was the curve ball that came at me first. The brain tumor she deals with robs her over and over of her memory. One day she is quite lucid and the next if she remembers her name it's a miracle. She started asking questions about my husband and throughout my visit they continued. Repeatedly she asked me what had happened to him. It was a recital in patience and understanding. Thinking I was getting a respite from her frailty and from memories I headed for nearby Sheridan. As I began to approach the birthplace of both my husband and daughter the really painful memories of my beloved spouse and precious daughter flooded my gray matter. I worried I might have to pull over due to excessive blurriness from crying. I dried my eyes about five minutes before I took my exit.

I passed the Sheridan Inn where I danced for the first time with my young lover. I passed the building that used to house the radiator shop where he worked as a teen. I passed the side of the hill on fifth street where he took me in his Willy's jeep when I was seven months pregnant with our daughter. One landmark after another brought his face, his voice, his person to my heart and mind.

Each intersection held another bittersweet memory I had to endure to get to my sister's home. The more I explored the town, the quicker the past flashed across my mind.

Even as I recall this whole emotion ridden adventure I find myself crying and wondering why I had blindly chosen to venture back to the place where I met and married Jeff. I would not consider myself a glutton for punishment, but here I am...

Tomorrow I head back to Sheridan to see Jeff's mom. I already know I'll be crying, hurting and sharing the good and the painful with her. I suppose this is all part of the healing.

Today my mother did something she has never done with me. She took me over to the living room sofa and prayed for me. It wasn't a short little prayer. I thought she might never stop. Over and over she prayed that God would grant me peace and strength to accept my new place in life. She called her prayer silly, but it touched me deeply. She's having a lucid day and I'm relishing her clear thinking whole I'm here.

I leave for Texas in a few days. Back to solitude and older memories of times not so far removed. I am letting go and moving on with every step I take. I know I'll look back at this part of my life's journey and understand why I chose to drive some 1100 miles to be here. For now I simply share the things I'm walking through and the actual experience of it all. Though it's still quite fresh and raw, sometimes it's good to confront your pain and call it what it is, hell on earth. I'm looking forward to something better as I rip the bandage off the scab that temporarily covered my wounded heart.


- love never fails.


- love never fails.

Silence That Screams

I don't often post twice in a day, but I'm fast becoming aware of a segment of people out there that are hurting and calling out to God in a sort of agony that has to be experienced to be understood. The agony that I'm talking of is that of deep loneliness. Solitude can be a blessed thing, but there are times when the silence screams so loud it deafens one.
Long ago when I had been married about ten years I touched this sort of loneliness for the first time. I experienced the sort of betrayal that required immediate divine intervention to survive it. I remember sitting alone on the edge of my bed, staring up at the cabbage rose bordered wallpaper thinking the silence and loneliness were so consuming they would deafen and destroy my heart that second.
I've said this before, but it is so healing and helpful to know that it bears repeating. Once you've weathered the "perfect storm" and seen God undergird you, you are never as frightened by another storm, no matter how devastating.
I've experienced quite a few concurrent storms in the past eleven months. Not one of which was small and now that I'm on the other side of them I can once again see God's touch at work. I didn't ever "feel" God at work or even sense Him comfort me. I've come to know that God doesn't always manifest with "sensations" once one is on the way out of spiritual childhood. I wasn't looking to feel much anyway as I was in such sensory overload in mourning my losses.
I remember in the first few months a blizzard of fears blanketing my mind, my soul and even working to crush my spirit. I've never felt such fear. Thankfully God sent a young woman who stayed with me for a couple weeks and who read me love scriptures over and over. Together we overcame the demons of fear sent to steal my joy and peace, kill my soul and destroy my life. Eventually I came to recognize these fears and I could resist them effectively on my own. I thank God for my sweet sister's sacrifice during those horrific days. Not everyone is so fortunate. In spite of her presence I felt this agony rich loneliness.
Just as I learned to recognize those demon spirits of fear, I came also to recognize the spirit behind the smothering loneliness that haunts so many. One day I was comparing the way I felt after spending long hours with friends and those in the family of God. I began asking myself why I was content to be alone at times and even look forward to quiet time free to do "my own thing"? What was the big difference between lonely moments and happy solitary ones? I realized it was all about attitude AND recognizing the fact I was being harassed into feeling sorry for myself. It was then I determined to work at being content no matter where I was or whether I was with anyone. Shortly after making that decision I noticed that when I really needed someone God had someone call, email or send me a card. I got more invitations to go out and I actually enjoyed the things I was doing; both alone and with others.
This whole revelation has been an ongoing thing. It's been a journey that has taken a lifetime to play out.
I write all this to encourage others who find themselves struggling with thoughts of rejection, betrayal and abandonment. You may have experienced all three as far as humanity goes, but God is always right there with you. IF you will begin to implement contentment with your life situation you will begin to notice God filling up the intimacy you used to lack. IF you don't try to predetermine who is going to fill the needs you have you might even be surprised at how God fills those needs!
We're told we comfort one another with all the comfort we receive. I truly hope that my words will touch you and lift you out of the darkness of your lonely place.
Peace
Cerise
- love never fails.

Never Surrender, Never Give Up

One day as I was considering those we consider role models in the bible I realized something. Every single man or woman of virtue in the bible made mistakes. David was called "a man after God's own heart", yet he was a murderer and an adulterer. Paul too started out as a killer and yet he wrote most of the letters to the early believers that we honor and follow. Every single person of faith recorded in the "hall of faith" in Hebrews 11 had failure and mistakes in his/ her life. The only difference between them and Judas Iscariot, the betrayer was one thing; they lived with their mistakes and Judas killed himself with his.

When you fail miserably in life run to God. Run boldly to the throne of grace to obtain grace and mercy in your time of need. Implement 1 John 1:9 and confess your faults knowing HE is faithful and just to forgive you and cleanse you of ALL your sins.

Selah


- love never fails.

Mourning Better Than Feasting?

I have been reading through a few chapters in Ecclesiastes. The wisdom there sometimes escapes me, but today almost eleven months since my husband died this enigmatic book is making sense to me.
We are all born with a terminal sentence imposed on us by our great great great great exponentially "great" grandfather Adam. He left us the inheritance of sin coursing through our bodies. It's a fact of "life" on this side of eternity. Life on the planet earth in these earth suits is temporal (limited in time). A clock begins ticking at our birth, and depending upon a great many factors it will eventually stop ticking and we will see our own ends. No matter how much denial we may walk in there is no escaping death. The bible tells us that it is appointed once for man to die and then the resurrection.
Within each earth suit is another man, the spirit man that God designed to "live" forever. Where that hidden man spends eternity is dependent upon whether or not that spirit man is tied or united to the Holy Spirit of God. God is perfect, holy, and His glory is so vast that nothing can stand or exist in His presence without a covering of righteousness. The Ruach Hakodesh is the prescribed covering of man. God will not allow anything less.
Most people are blindly unaware of this truth. They live and die separated from God believing that this life is all there is. Their focus is on self and work to care and protect self at all cost. I shudder to think how surprised they are when they leave this realm for the eternal and must face the Living God sans His covering.
Having suffered the death of half of me in the death of my husband I am more aware of the "other side" than ever before. I have a greater burden for widows than ever before. I have a bigger burden for the lost than before his death. For me mourning has put me in a place I've never been in my life, though I've lost children and friends and family to death.
I've had friends attempt to direct my path during the loss of my spouse, the death of half of me. I became acutely aware of their lack of understanding at what one experiences in losing a spouse of thirty four years.
I have feasted and I have mourned. This mourning I have been going through has forced me to cling to The God of All Comfort as He alone was my comfort. I have changed in so many ways and continue to morph into what God will make of me. I never would have thought that mourning is better than feasting, but knowing my end on this tiny blue marble is coming I am glad to have mourned rather than to have been lulled to complacency in a constant feast.
I am more ready to depart than ever before. What about you?
Yeshua/Jesus is the righteousness that God requires as your covering. Do you have him on?
Selah.
- love never fails.