Letting Go

I'm not sure what I was thinking before I left Texas for Wyoming, but facing numerous memories of my husband's and my past wasn't in my plans. I blindly drove towards my parent's home with only the thought of making it to my daily destination in mind. I arrived in Colorado Springs and realized if I continued I would be facing rush hour traffic in Denver! NOT!!! So I found a dog friendly motel and I and my little dog stopped for the night. After braving the downtown traffic of Denver at the lunch hour, I found my brother's oasis of a home deep in the city! My time with my youngest brother was very restful and i had to make myself leave Continuing onto Westminster I met with close friends and the memories began flooding my soul. I wept with the beloved couple as we recalled Jeff and talked of widowhood and its many hardships.

Life has a way of throwing unexpected curves at you and I got a big one after I arrived in Buffalo. My husband and I had very few shared memories in this tiny tree laden village in the mountains. However, my mother was the curve ball that came at me first. The brain tumor she deals with robs her over and over of her memory. One day she is quite lucid and the next if she remembers her name it's a miracle. She started asking questions about my husband and throughout my visit they continued. Repeatedly she asked me what had happened to him. It was a recital in patience and understanding. Thinking I was getting a respite from her frailty and from memories I headed for nearby Sheridan. As I began to approach the birthplace of both my husband and daughter the really painful memories of my beloved spouse and precious daughter flooded my gray matter. I worried I might have to pull over due to excessive blurriness from crying. I dried my eyes about five minutes before I took my exit.

I passed the Sheridan Inn where I danced for the first time with my young lover. I passed the building that used to house the radiator shop where he worked as a teen. I passed the side of the hill on fifth street where he took me in his Willy's jeep when I was seven months pregnant with our daughter. One landmark after another brought his face, his voice, his person to my heart and mind.

Each intersection held another bittersweet memory I had to endure to get to my sister's home. The more I explored the town, the quicker the past flashed across my mind.

Even as I recall this whole emotion ridden adventure I find myself crying and wondering why I had blindly chosen to venture back to the place where I met and married Jeff. I would not consider myself a glutton for punishment, but here I am...

Tomorrow I head back to Sheridan to see Jeff's mom. I already know I'll be crying, hurting and sharing the good and the painful with her. I suppose this is all part of the healing.

Today my mother did something she has never done with me. She took me over to the living room sofa and prayed for me. It wasn't a short little prayer. I thought she might never stop. Over and over she prayed that God would grant me peace and strength to accept my new place in life. She called her prayer silly, but it touched me deeply. She's having a lucid day and I'm relishing her clear thinking whole I'm here.

I leave for Texas in a few days. Back to solitude and older memories of times not so far removed. I am letting go and moving on with every step I take. I know I'll look back at this part of my life's journey and understand why I chose to drive some 1100 miles to be here. For now I simply share the things I'm walking through and the actual experience of it all. Though it's still quite fresh and raw, sometimes it's good to confront your pain and call it what it is, hell on earth. I'm looking forward to something better as I rip the bandage off the scab that temporarily covered my wounded heart.


- love never fails.


- love never fails.