A Million Miles

There are days when I wake up and remember that I am all alone (naturally speaking). I turn over and the place where my husband used to be is empty and not because he woke early to make coffee or let the dog out. He’s really gone! Then there are days when I wake up and I am so accustomed to being alone that I just get up and get about the routine of my “new” life. How to find joy in such changes is a daily challenge. Women throughout the ages have faced these same issues, but it feels brand new and still unfamiliar and uncomfortable to me.
I find myself grilling other widows about their lives and their experiences. Some have similar stories, others not so much. It’s common to feel lost and to ache for one’s spouse, but to have as many struggles as came my way is not so common. One gal had her stepchildren take all her belongings, the family business and leave her out in the cold. Another just came home from Alaska after her six years of caring for a sick and then dying husband. She and her husband had a ministry in Anchorage, but after a heart attack and subsequent discovery that he had been exposed to huge levels of lead as a youngster, stood for him as his mind slowly disintegrated. I’d say she suffered a great deal more before his death than after. God’s grace saw her through. Another gal lost three husbands. I don’t know how she could go back a third time after suffering so much loss. I have one story after another running through my mind, but one thing I know there is no real preparation for widowhood or much help for widows after they are thrown into the fiery trial that is about to accost them.
Folks say I’m an inspiration. I feel like a blob of emotions looking for a place to “go off”. If it weren’t for the love and grace of God and my devotion to the word of God I’d be in a nice padded room with a customized jacket as my sole companion. Many of my “friends” absolutely stopped speaking to me; others came out of the woodworks to be there for me. My family though many miles away has been very supportive. My mother-in-law calls at least once a month to check on me. She’s more faithful to call me than I am to check on her. The congregation I belong to is so supportive. I had been out of the organized church for more years than I can remember, but God directed me where to go and it has been part of my healing.
Writing is my way of walking through the changes I experience in life. I know when I read someone else’s experience I normally find something in their words to help me understand my own life and path. So I hope will my words be. I don’t understand a lot of what I’ve experienced, but God has been with me every single inch of the way. It seems as if I’ve come a million miles and have another million to go. Through it all my faith has sustained me and the ever present Holy Spirit is with me comforting and healing my broken heart.
- love never fails.