A Prosperous Journey

The path of my life seems rocky, unsure and filled with potholes of varying size. It has innumerable cutbacks, detours and rabbit trails. I never know who I will travel it with or even when or if I will have a companion. Just when I think I know where it's going to take me I find myself going in a completely different direction. When I am sure it's going to be unpredictable it becomes drawn out and mundane, even boring in its predictability. I've come to the conclusion that the chaos theory is most definitely NOT a theory, but the reality we know on this side of eternity and heaven. There most definitely is an unseen adversary attempting to pull strings in my life, but being that he is a created being as are the angels that follow him, their influence is limited in scope by the unseen hand that sculpted them.

I have a little secret that I want to share with those that will read this. Right now in this very second I am not afraid! If I didn't know what I know about my Creator I probably would remain afraid all the time. I don't know how those who aren't intimate with The Most High, His Precious Holy Spirit and His Son and our Messiah Yeshua live through a single day. To live in such blindness and self sufficiency goes beyond anything I can imagine or care to consider. To trust in the frailty of flesh and the corrupted natural world seems foolish at best.

I have chosen to put my life in the capable and loving hands of my Creator. He imagined what I could become and that is what I dream of becoming. Why He has given to me all that I have is beyond my understanding, but I'm learning not to question His ways, but simply walk led of His Spirit. I have His unchanging promise that He will never leave or forsake me. I have His eternal promise of provision, direction and protection IF I will trust Him with ALL of my being. The enormity of that commitment might overwhelm me had I not learned that it is HE that works in me both to will and to do of His good pleasure. Yeshua told us that it was the Father that did the works in his life. Even our precious Lord relied completely upon Abba Father to work in him both to will and to do of His good pleasure. Yeshua lived completely by faith. He heard the Father's voice and did only what the Father told him to do! While he hung on the cross halfway between heaven and hell, he chose to do so by faith. He had no doubts while he suffered sin, death and the grave. He still suffered, but he did so without a single doubt! That gives me supernatural faith!

Though my life's pathway may be rocky and rough, God is the strength of my life and my portion forever.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

A Million Miles

There are days when I wake up and remember that I am all alone (naturally speaking). I turn over and the place where my husband used to be is empty and not because he woke early to make coffee or let the dog out. He’s really gone! Then there are days when I wake up and I am so accustomed to being alone that I just get up and get about the routine of my “new” life. How to find joy in such changes is a daily challenge. Women throughout the ages have faced these same issues, but it feels brand new and still unfamiliar and uncomfortable to me.
I find myself grilling other widows about their lives and their experiences. Some have similar stories, others not so much. It’s common to feel lost and to ache for one’s spouse, but to have as many struggles as came my way is not so common. One gal had her stepchildren take all her belongings, the family business and leave her out in the cold. Another just came home from Alaska after her six years of caring for a sick and then dying husband. She and her husband had a ministry in Anchorage, but after a heart attack and subsequent discovery that he had been exposed to huge levels of lead as a youngster, stood for him as his mind slowly disintegrated. I’d say she suffered a great deal more before his death than after. God’s grace saw her through. Another gal lost three husbands. I don’t know how she could go back a third time after suffering so much loss. I have one story after another running through my mind, but one thing I know there is no real preparation for widowhood or much help for widows after they are thrown into the fiery trial that is about to accost them.
Folks say I’m an inspiration. I feel like a blob of emotions looking for a place to “go off”. If it weren’t for the love and grace of God and my devotion to the word of God I’d be in a nice padded room with a customized jacket as my sole companion. Many of my “friends” absolutely stopped speaking to me; others came out of the woodworks to be there for me. My family though many miles away has been very supportive. My mother-in-law calls at least once a month to check on me. She’s more faithful to call me than I am to check on her. The congregation I belong to is so supportive. I had been out of the organized church for more years than I can remember, but God directed me where to go and it has been part of my healing.
Writing is my way of walking through the changes I experience in life. I know when I read someone else’s experience I normally find something in their words to help me understand my own life and path. So I hope will my words be. I don’t understand a lot of what I’ve experienced, but God has been with me every single inch of the way. It seems as if I’ve come a million miles and have another million to go. Through it all my faith has sustained me and the ever present Holy Spirit is with me comforting and healing my broken heart.
- love never fails.

Letting Go

I'm not sure what I was thinking before I left Texas for Wyoming, but facing numerous memories of my husband's and my past wasn't in my plans. I blindly drove towards my parent's home with only the thought of making it to my daily destination in mind. I arrived in Colorado Springs and realized if I continued I would be facing rush hour traffic in Denver! NOT!!! So I found a dog friendly motel and I and my little dog stopped for the night. After braving the downtown traffic of Denver at the lunch hour, I found my brother's oasis of a home deep in the city! My time with my youngest brother was very restful and i had to make myself leave Continuing onto Westminster I met with close friends and the memories began flooding my soul. I wept with the beloved couple as we recalled Jeff and talked of widowhood and its many hardships.

Life has a way of throwing unexpected curves at you and I got a big one after I arrived in Buffalo. My husband and I had very few shared memories in this tiny tree laden village in the mountains. However, my mother was the curve ball that came at me first. The brain tumor she deals with robs her over and over of her memory. One day she is quite lucid and the next if she remembers her name it's a miracle. She started asking questions about my husband and throughout my visit they continued. Repeatedly she asked me what had happened to him. It was a recital in patience and understanding. Thinking I was getting a respite from her frailty and from memories I headed for nearby Sheridan. As I began to approach the birthplace of both my husband and daughter the really painful memories of my beloved spouse and precious daughter flooded my gray matter. I worried I might have to pull over due to excessive blurriness from crying. I dried my eyes about five minutes before I took my exit.

I passed the Sheridan Inn where I danced for the first time with my young lover. I passed the building that used to house the radiator shop where he worked as a teen. I passed the side of the hill on fifth street where he took me in his Willy's jeep when I was seven months pregnant with our daughter. One landmark after another brought his face, his voice, his person to my heart and mind.

Each intersection held another bittersweet memory I had to endure to get to my sister's home. The more I explored the town, the quicker the past flashed across my mind.

Even as I recall this whole emotion ridden adventure I find myself crying and wondering why I had blindly chosen to venture back to the place where I met and married Jeff. I would not consider myself a glutton for punishment, but here I am...

Tomorrow I head back to Sheridan to see Jeff's mom. I already know I'll be crying, hurting and sharing the good and the painful with her. I suppose this is all part of the healing.

Today my mother did something she has never done with me. She took me over to the living room sofa and prayed for me. It wasn't a short little prayer. I thought she might never stop. Over and over she prayed that God would grant me peace and strength to accept my new place in life. She called her prayer silly, but it touched me deeply. She's having a lucid day and I'm relishing her clear thinking whole I'm here.

I leave for Texas in a few days. Back to solitude and older memories of times not so far removed. I am letting go and moving on with every step I take. I know I'll look back at this part of my life's journey and understand why I chose to drive some 1100 miles to be here. For now I simply share the things I'm walking through and the actual experience of it all. Though it's still quite fresh and raw, sometimes it's good to confront your pain and call it what it is, hell on earth. I'm looking forward to something better as I rip the bandage off the scab that temporarily covered my wounded heart.


- love never fails.


- love never fails.

Silence That Screams

I don't often post twice in a day, but I'm fast becoming aware of a segment of people out there that are hurting and calling out to God in a sort of agony that has to be experienced to be understood. The agony that I'm talking of is that of deep loneliness. Solitude can be a blessed thing, but there are times when the silence screams so loud it deafens one.
Long ago when I had been married about ten years I touched this sort of loneliness for the first time. I experienced the sort of betrayal that required immediate divine intervention to survive it. I remember sitting alone on the edge of my bed, staring up at the cabbage rose bordered wallpaper thinking the silence and loneliness were so consuming they would deafen and destroy my heart that second.
I've said this before, but it is so healing and helpful to know that it bears repeating. Once you've weathered the "perfect storm" and seen God undergird you, you are never as frightened by another storm, no matter how devastating.
I've experienced quite a few concurrent storms in the past eleven months. Not one of which was small and now that I'm on the other side of them I can once again see God's touch at work. I didn't ever "feel" God at work or even sense Him comfort me. I've come to know that God doesn't always manifest with "sensations" once one is on the way out of spiritual childhood. I wasn't looking to feel much anyway as I was in such sensory overload in mourning my losses.
I remember in the first few months a blizzard of fears blanketing my mind, my soul and even working to crush my spirit. I've never felt such fear. Thankfully God sent a young woman who stayed with me for a couple weeks and who read me love scriptures over and over. Together we overcame the demons of fear sent to steal my joy and peace, kill my soul and destroy my life. Eventually I came to recognize these fears and I could resist them effectively on my own. I thank God for my sweet sister's sacrifice during those horrific days. Not everyone is so fortunate. In spite of her presence I felt this agony rich loneliness.
Just as I learned to recognize those demon spirits of fear, I came also to recognize the spirit behind the smothering loneliness that haunts so many. One day I was comparing the way I felt after spending long hours with friends and those in the family of God. I began asking myself why I was content to be alone at times and even look forward to quiet time free to do "my own thing"? What was the big difference between lonely moments and happy solitary ones? I realized it was all about attitude AND recognizing the fact I was being harassed into feeling sorry for myself. It was then I determined to work at being content no matter where I was or whether I was with anyone. Shortly after making that decision I noticed that when I really needed someone God had someone call, email or send me a card. I got more invitations to go out and I actually enjoyed the things I was doing; both alone and with others.
This whole revelation has been an ongoing thing. It's been a journey that has taken a lifetime to play out.
I write all this to encourage others who find themselves struggling with thoughts of rejection, betrayal and abandonment. You may have experienced all three as far as humanity goes, but God is always right there with you. IF you will begin to implement contentment with your life situation you will begin to notice God filling up the intimacy you used to lack. IF you don't try to predetermine who is going to fill the needs you have you might even be surprised at how God fills those needs!
We're told we comfort one another with all the comfort we receive. I truly hope that my words will touch you and lift you out of the darkness of your lonely place.
Peace
Cerise
- love never fails.

Never Surrender, Never Give Up

One day as I was considering those we consider role models in the bible I realized something. Every single man or woman of virtue in the bible made mistakes. David was called "a man after God's own heart", yet he was a murderer and an adulterer. Paul too started out as a killer and yet he wrote most of the letters to the early believers that we honor and follow. Every single person of faith recorded in the "hall of faith" in Hebrews 11 had failure and mistakes in his/ her life. The only difference between them and Judas Iscariot, the betrayer was one thing; they lived with their mistakes and Judas killed himself with his.

When you fail miserably in life run to God. Run boldly to the throne of grace to obtain grace and mercy in your time of need. Implement 1 John 1:9 and confess your faults knowing HE is faithful and just to forgive you and cleanse you of ALL your sins.

Selah


- love never fails.

Mourning Better Than Feasting?

I have been reading through a few chapters in Ecclesiastes. The wisdom there sometimes escapes me, but today almost eleven months since my husband died this enigmatic book is making sense to me.
We are all born with a terminal sentence imposed on us by our great great great great exponentially "great" grandfather Adam. He left us the inheritance of sin coursing through our bodies. It's a fact of "life" on this side of eternity. Life on the planet earth in these earth suits is temporal (limited in time). A clock begins ticking at our birth, and depending upon a great many factors it will eventually stop ticking and we will see our own ends. No matter how much denial we may walk in there is no escaping death. The bible tells us that it is appointed once for man to die and then the resurrection.
Within each earth suit is another man, the spirit man that God designed to "live" forever. Where that hidden man spends eternity is dependent upon whether or not that spirit man is tied or united to the Holy Spirit of God. God is perfect, holy, and His glory is so vast that nothing can stand or exist in His presence without a covering of righteousness. The Ruach Hakodesh is the prescribed covering of man. God will not allow anything less.
Most people are blindly unaware of this truth. They live and die separated from God believing that this life is all there is. Their focus is on self and work to care and protect self at all cost. I shudder to think how surprised they are when they leave this realm for the eternal and must face the Living God sans His covering.
Having suffered the death of half of me in the death of my husband I am more aware of the "other side" than ever before. I have a greater burden for widows than ever before. I have a bigger burden for the lost than before his death. For me mourning has put me in a place I've never been in my life, though I've lost children and friends and family to death.
I've had friends attempt to direct my path during the loss of my spouse, the death of half of me. I became acutely aware of their lack of understanding at what one experiences in losing a spouse of thirty four years.
I have feasted and I have mourned. This mourning I have been going through has forced me to cling to The God of All Comfort as He alone was my comfort. I have changed in so many ways and continue to morph into what God will make of me. I never would have thought that mourning is better than feasting, but knowing my end on this tiny blue marble is coming I am glad to have mourned rather than to have been lulled to complacency in a constant feast.
I am more ready to depart than ever before. What about you?
Yeshua/Jesus is the righteousness that God requires as your covering. Do you have him on?
Selah.
- love never fails.

A Work of Art

I can't tell you how many times I've come to the end of a test or daily trial and wished I'd been stronger and quicker to trust God. I tell myself "next time" I'm going to act like I would had I been faithful rather than doubtful. I'm going to rejoice early rather than after the storm had passed.

I have a sign on my bathroom wall, "Make today your masterpiece". It's a relatively new sign. I bought it after my husband's death. I must be my own cheerleader these days. I do whatever it takes to stay in faith. Occasionally I call a friend, sometimes I get in the word (first aid style) and sometimes I simply pray in the spirit. Whatever comes to my mind I do. I now look at each day as a kind of canvas on which I will paint my day. Of course God has control of where I paint and what I paint, but I'm working on the "colors" I use. I'm learning that God can use my bouts of unbelief to color the darker shades in my day. He can turn what looks like a tragedy into a technicolor wonder. When I'm able to tap into "now faith" it also colors the masterpiece of my day.

Yesterday I needed to cry so he gave me an outlet where I could cry (everyone in the building was crying) and my emotional upheaval went with no notice taken by the other criers. I needed to let go of yet another thing and He facilitated the release. I needed prayer for an upcoming journey that will bring huge changes and he had one of my pastors pray for strength for all who have been on mission trips and would be going. I needed to be released from a self assigned obligation, and He allowed a detour free me from it. I needed a shoulder to cry on and to give my shoulder to someone else to express herself. He provided both.

All of what happened supplied colors for yesterday's masterpiece. Each thing that happened added its own hue to the palette of the day. I was blessed with extremes in colored emotions and I had quiet tones of feeling. Much was accomplished, but behind it all was the Master painter, and not only did I make my day a masterpiece but I as the work of His hand survived to be a masterpiece of His making.

I have a new day and it too will be colored by the things I see, I hear, I touch, and I experience as I press into walking this walk, my walk of faith. You too are a painter, am artist, a sculptor, and yet a canvas or piece of clay. God is making you His masterpiece of the day. Submitting to His creative touch is only for your best good. What will you let Him make of you?

Today is a blank canvas and whatever you go through will supply the raw materials of your work of art.


- love never fails.

High Pressure Valve

Fire is a frightening thing when out of control. I've seen shows where ceilings and floors give way to ravaging fire. I've also seen what water can do to fire when shot at it through high pressure hoses.
The enemy is a fire starter. He can't be at all places at all times so he has to use guerrilla warfare to keep his chaos working. He loves to put his own sort of pressure on those trusting the word of God. He also fights nastily and uses every angle to get his wicked work done. He waits till you're exhausted (he works hard to keep you from resting) and then attacks for as long as he can to wear you out. He waits until you're starving and then puts a hot fudge sundae of fleshly temptation before you to get you to "bite". Let's face it, he never plays fair. Once you've fallen, he then condemns you for partaking in the thing he tempted you with!
In the midst of the biggest battle I've faced thus far, I felt as if the rubber band of my endurance was about to give way and break. I couldn't see anyway I was going to be able to endure much longer. The enemy kept adding straw to the camel's back until I was sure my "knees" were going to buckle. All I could do was cry out to God. I couldn't read my bible, I didn't have the faith to do much else. I was asked by a friend if I could "feel" the prayers of the people. Hey I was suffering from sensory overload to the point I couldn't feel my own feet. I wasn't aware of a soul praying for me.
As I look back (hind sight always seems a whole lot clearer than normal vision) I can see that all I needed to do was cry out to God. I don't remember sensing a difference at the time, but that cry did something in the spirit realm.
I think back to Exodus 22:22-24. It warns those who afflict widows NOT to. I had my share of natural and spiritual affliction in the past months. I didn't enjoy watching the humans that hurt me pay the consequences of their behavior, but I'm quite thrilled to know that God took out His sword and struck a blow at the adversary who was behind all the affliction I lived through.
I can feel the pressure of the enemy mounting again. It's slightly different, but nonetheless present. I have the benefit of one of these sort of battles "under my belt". I'm not the same rookie recruit. I'm using my own high pressure hoses to shoot out the water of the word to blow away the enemy. I will not be taken by a blind surprise any longer.
Today I'm a tad more sure of how much greater our God is than the enemy. I am back on my prayer, study and praise walk. While I'm not ready for another attack of that proportion, I am ready to go back and get in the game of life again. I'm so glad to have a high pressure valve release called tears to let God into deal with the terrorist.
Selah
- love never fails.

Reach Out and Touch

As humans living in an unfriendly world, we can be tempted to become hermits hibernating in our domiciles. But the Lord called us a body, the Body of Christ. We carry the Holy Spirit and the power of God in our mouths, hands and feet. We are supposed to carry the Spirit to the hurting and not to hide out in our homes.

Yesterday I bagged up a few veggies from my garden to take to an elder widow who lives next door to our tiny Post Office. It was not a big gift, but I know how lonely I get so I wanted to drop by and touch base with her.The veggies were an excuse to drop by.

I called her as I was about to drive over to the Post Office. She was so surprised that I was calling her because she had just picked up the phone to dial me.

After telling her my plans I made my way to check my mail. Finding nothing I headed next door. Her little dog met me at the door barking his delight and her sweet smile was a welcome sunny place in my day.

She shared a huge answer to prayer and we chatted for an hour. She recalled the stages of mourning she had experienced and how God had sent a couple from her church home to plant flowers in her yard. They had been so saddened at her devastation in losing her husband. They told her they wanted to see her smile again. It had been a turning place in her mourning. She had cried all day, everyday for almost a year.

She has buried three husbands in her 80+ years. I can't even fathom that kind of strength. Her first husband died of a massive coronary, 12 years later her second died of cancer, and the last one of Alzheimer's.

As she recalled the time when her friends from church came and planted flowers, I found myself weeping. My little offering of vegetables had been a point of connection on that day. My garden has been my place of mindless refuge in my widowhood. It has been my solace and sharing its bounty my delight. I remember thinking I would never live through my loss, and here it's been almost ten months and I'm still quite alive.

I know the Lord told us we comfort one another with the comfort we receive. Here we were sharing our losses, our healing and the Comforter.

I hadn't set out to minister or to be ministered to. I simply knew she missed having a garden and missed fresh vegetables. The anointing of God, the balm of Giliad, flowed between us. She gave to me comfort she had received and I to her. The exchange that happens between believers was precious and healing! All it took was a little willingness to reach out and touch.






- love never fails.

The One Woman Show

It's funny that when we read the play of our lifetime just how quickly we forget that God is the author of our lives. He has promised that all things work together for good to those who love Him and are called according to His plans and purposes. God sees our end from the beginning. He walks out the acts of every play and player in this linear thing we call our lifetimes. God is eternal and omnipresent. It's all about manifesting His Son to destroy the works of the adversary.

How could I doubt that He would see me through this third act of the play of my life? I feel like a spoiled diva actress who doesn't like the changes the writer has made to His script. I've seen it a different way and I'm pouting in my dressing room.

How gracious is my God to walk me through the changes in my life. I need not be terrified by a few script changes IF I am trusting God.

We all have unexpected things happen in our lives. Oh to be able to rest and trust God during the script change and not wait to trust Him until after the play is over!

Selah


- love never fails.

Nine Months and Counting

I'm sitting alone in my living room in my recliner as I have often in the past nine months. I'm not overly sad or tremendously happy either. My prayers are no longer for survival of self, but for those around me suffering or in trouble. I'm no longer so self absorbed or devastated by my husband's death that I can't function. I still have bad days, hours and moments, but nothing compared to the previous nine months.

I met a friend in the grocery store today. She lost her husband of 54 years just two months ago. She told me just what I expected when I asked how she was doing, "I have good days and bad days". No surprise. She also told me how lost and out of place she felt without her husband on her arm.

When we first met she was gracious and told me she had heard of my husband's passing. She was compassionate as only another widow can be.

I have had joyful moments recently and I want to live and minister again. I know I'm healing and growing stronger every day. Not sure why I'm writing this, but documenting the stages of my widowhood is cathartic. I also never know who I might be helping by doing so. I know how helpful it was for me to see others experiencing similar insanities during the early stages of their widowhood.

Looking forward to big things on the horizon.


- love never fails.

Water Walking Widow Woman

I love catchy titles because they do just that, catch someone's attention! If you're reading this i clearly caught yours.

I'm sitting quietly in my recliner listening for direction from the Lord and felt led to write here about this latest adventure I find myself on. I've been widowed now almost nine months. I'm more than surviving, I'm living. God has taken good care of me. God has watched over me and seen to my every need. He has even supplied a few of my wants.

I have learned from life that the journey is as important as the destination. We may have goals in mind, but how we achieve them is normally outside our control. So it has been with this latest goal; to survive widowhood and thrive alone until God brings someone for me to be a helpmeet to and for.

I have a list of things I want and need to do in order to accomplish the goal of being a successful widow. I actually am working on a new goal and that is changing my status from widow to single woman. Why? It is simply because I don't intend to spend this interim period in grief or mourning someone who is enjoying rest and reward in heaven. It is time to go on living and sitting and feeling sorry for myself has grown old.

I remember a time in the past when I met a sister in the Lord. She was so sad and almost unable to function. I discovered she had lost a son. Having lost my son I could empathize. I could empathize, that is, until I discovered he had been gone for many many years. She had never stopped mourning and had allowed the demonic spirit of grief place in her mind. It had taken over and she was slave to it. I had to step back and look at the whole situation.

It's easy to get stuck in a place where you become a victim and then every demonic spirit will use you as a punching bag. I learned all those years ago to be on the watch for that spirit. There is a time to mourn, but in the midst of it one should also be looking to live, to thrive again. Mind you it may take longer for some than others, but mourning that takes years isn't mourning, it's grief.

The world has "grief counselors" and is basically unaware of the difference between mourning and grief. Mourning is a normal process of healing after the loss of someone or something such as a dream or a personal possession. Grief comes in disguised as mourning, but ends up in self absorption and victimization. It is not good and can be very destructive.

Today I'm searching for joy again. I'm confident I will survive and even thrive in spite of the fact my husband is gone. I've got goals to work on, a renewed purpose for my life and I'm busy about the Lord's business. I still face challenges and things I need help with, but God continues to send help for each situation when and IF I trust Him and ask Him in faith.

I now see each day as an opportunity for God to beckon me out of my boat, the S. S. Comfort Zone. He's parted the Red Sea so helping me walk on water is a piece of cake for Him. I bet He likes angel food with royal icing!

Cerise


- love never fails.

One Flesh

I've often equated marriage to the blending of two colors of paint. Imagine the man as blue, the woman as yellow. Over time those two colors swirl together and become green. The more time, the more challenges or "shaking" the marriage endures the more blended the colors become. Now imagine the death of one spouse?
I had no idea just how traumatic the death of my husband would be. It's rather like we were almost a pure green and then a big chunk of blue was removed taking a big part of my yellow with it.
I shall forever be more green than pure yellow. I can not erase the memories and experiences I've had with my husband. He will forever be a part of me. I am still young enough to consider remarriage, and should I remarry, I am now a new hue to be mixed with some other color.
I personally can't see how God can smoothly integrate someone else into my life at this time. I also can't see myself being alone for the rest of my life. I'm glad God created color and His mastery of blending is at work behind the scenery. I await His touch in the painting of my life's story.
Selah
- love never fails.

A Limited Engagement

I am listening to a couple sisters in the Lord and they have been discussing Psalms 73. The writer of Psalms 73 talks about his journey back to faith or trust in God AFTER spending time watching the insanity of this world. Whenever we try to make sense of this world of confusion apart from the Word of God, you're bound to end up as confused as the world you're watching.

As I was listening to the interaction between these women I heard this: A Limited Engagement. Even if someone of this world were to gain every pleasure and advantage of this world, His possession and enjoyment is only for a limited amount of time. Those who serve God experience joy forever more!

God is long suffering and patient, but He has given mankind only 7,000 years to walk in free will. Not only that, but in a short two hundred years or less (we aren't sure how accurate the Hebrew calendar is) Yeshua/Jesus will sit on his earthly throne as the Son of David. He will rule those left behind with an iron fist!

I'd say it pays to stay right with God because wickedness has a limited engagement on earth.

Selah

Cerise


- love never fails.

To Ask Is To Worship

Mark11: 22 And Jesus answering saith unto them, Have faith in God. 23 For verily I say unto you, That whosoever shall say unto this mountain, Be thou removed, and be thou cast into the sea; and shall not doubt in his heart, but shall believe that those things which he saith shall come to pass; he shall have whatsoever he saith. 24 Therefore I say unto you, What things soever ye desire, when ye pray, believe that ye receive them, and ye shall have them . 25 And when ye stand praying, forgive, if ye have ought against any: that your Father also which is in heaven may forgive you your trespasses.

The word "praying" here is the Greek word, proschuchomai. This word means to supplicate (fancy word for ask), pray and worship. It's awesome to me to think that asking God for a thing is considered worship!

If we consider the fact that acknowledging God as our provider is worship, this word not only makes sense, but it a huge boost to our faith.

Letting God be God is a challenge. We are constantly tempted to take the reigns of our lives and compromise.

As a widow called to be a teacher and a prophet I face many challenges. I press through opinions, religious barriers as well as gender prejudices. It matters little as I do what I must do. I can remark however that I love what I do and God sees me through the hardest barriers.

You can do it too!!!

- love never fails.

God is My Husband

I've been a widow now for six months and two days. I'm not bawling continually these days, and fear has less and less hold on my throat. I must be getting better!

I kept waking this evening or should I say all through the night. I finally gave up and got in my bible. A familiar passage was like a breath of fresh air! I share it here because God is no respecter of persons. If He said something to one anyone who trusts Him can claim it for himself/herself!

I trust it will be as encouraging for you as it was for me!

Isaiah 30:21 And thine ears shall hear a word behind thee, saying, This is the way, walk ye in it, when ye turn to the right hand, and when ye turn to the left.

God is ever ready to direct our steps! All we need to do is ask Him and then get quiet and listen for His response. I'm learning to get quiet for my eternal husband to direct my steps!

I'm listening even now.


- love never fails.

We See Through A Glass Darkly

When I accepted my young husband's proposal of marriage I could not have foreseen the things ahead that I would experience or suffer. All I saw on that day was joy, excitement and passion. I could not have foreseen that "come grow old with me" was not to be. There were so many things I didn't see wrapped up in the thirty four years we would spend together. I didn't see the birth of our daughter or the many operations we would all endure to help her find normalcy in a world expecting perfection. I wouldn't see the birth and sudden death of our second born, but nonetheless precious son. I wouldn't see us moving south and setting roots in the southwest. I couldn't see my husband giving his life to God and the realization that I too needed to surrender my life to God.

All of these hidden things that I didn't see in his proposal would leave marks in my life. All of the things I've lived through have made an impact on my heart. The biggest thing I couldn't or didn't see was God walking me through each and every step I would take. Now mind you I did make sure we were married in a church. I chose a Christian church to be sure. My roots were planted in Christianity, but my surrender to faith towards God would take my husband kneeling on the floor of our tiny rent house in an unremarkable town in New Mexico.

Life is like a foggy mirror after one has showered. You know there's an image to be seen, but you can't make out all the details. God who is able to see the end from the beginning won't allow humans to do the same. He knows we might not step out in faith if we saw all the pain and suffering before the journey began!

I chose my title carefully. It comes from 1 Corinthians 13; the "love" chapter. Why? Because God in His infinite love desires to walk us through every aspect of life. He wants the seeds of faith He has entrusted with us to be sown in love so they will produce abundantly. For this reason we see through or in the looking glass of life darkly or in shadows.

Salvation is all about someone being in trouble and someone being in a place to help or rescue. God knew before He placed the first person on the planet that trouble was coming. He set up the "fail safe" plan of salvation before creation! Yeshua/Jesus is called a lamb slain before the foundation of the earth. God manifested His son to destroy the works of the adversary. He didn't see through or in a glass darkly, He saw every hard thing every human would suffer and He purposed to put it on Himself by putting it on His volunteer representative, His Son.

Each day I choose to live in has the potential to be good or to be notso good. I have the ability to allow God's grace to transform it into something productive or destructive, but I get to choose. I may see in part, but I know my Father has seen what is ahead and through love will see me all the way to my end here on this blue marble we call home. It really isn't my home. I'm drawn away from it daily by the ones who have left this place for planet heaven. The man I shared thirty four years of joy and sorrow calls me "Come be young with me, the best is yet to be".


- love never fails.

Mourning Songs

Missing Tick tock tick tock once again I hear the clock. I'm awake and in my chair. Tears are running in my hair. The bed's too big cause you're not there. Tick tock it's three o'clock. The silence in my ears is screaming and no longer am I dreaming. Will this nightmare ever end. My lover's gone and so's my friend. Missing.... Come and Go I scanned the cemetery and saw countless headstones knowing I was not alone and yet I could not shake that feeling. Why was I so solitary in my sorrow? My friend stood by me with such knowing. She had already walked this way, in another cemetery on another day. Committed to the dirt and to the clay, her lover she had left yet she must stay. She held my hand that day and helped me walk my way. Through the sorrow and must dos of death. The check list grew but I was unaware of it just go and do. The robot queen stepped in my place, doing dishes, smiling in my stead. Go and do and then one day the tears would not stay away. I couldn't put away this sorrow in a drawer or closet, it was here to stay for a week, a month or just a day? No one can tell me. Grief sits on my windowsill, like the dust that comes and goes and comes. I wipe it away and turn and see, "Oh you're back". I'm forced to say. Sorrow you're much too close a friend, I want this relationship to end. You don't need to come just go, but alas I have no control. So I grab your hand, suffering too. We have so much to go and do. Embracing these powered twins, I face each day and walk the walk. Tear streaked face, I must live and not die. Pushed on by some invisible grace, oh God you're here to see me through. Until my time to come to you. That's right it's all about coming home. My lover's gone, but there with you. So I hold onto my other friends, and siblings... We all must walk this way, in another cemetery on another day. Our suitcases we will not pack, on this journey there are no bags. With you there will be no needs, just go and be with you. You're the reason I go on. So many do not know, that Love takes us from this place. Some too young, others older still we leave. Darkness on the faces here, tear streaked hearts, not your doing God. You say, "Light be", and hope finds a place in chaos. You mold the universe with your dream and word. You kill a lamb who becomes a lion and we join your dream...and so I go and do to bring the goats and sheep to you.

Warning Will Robinson!!!

Deuteronomy{10:17} For the LORD your God [is] God of gods, and Lord of lords, a great God, a mighty, and a terrible, which regardeth not persons, nor taketh reward: {10:18} He doth execute the judgment of the fatherless and widow, and loveth the stranger, in giving him food and raiment.

God takes such excellent care of the widow and the orphan, but we must renew our faith constantly as widows. Why? Because the adversary is as opposite as opposite can be in comparison to God. He delights in stealing from widows, in lying to widows, in trapping widows, in afflicting widows and persecuting them at every opportunity. He is the Snidley Whiplash of the dark realms.

God watches over widows and orphans and uses a quick blade on those who afflict them.  Exodus 22:22!

It isn't fun to be afflicted, but affliction comes for the word's sake. The enemy is waiting to consume any word of God spoken by God or man. He has a prescribed period of time that he can mess with a person, but if we resist him using the word itself he must flee.

Submit to God, resist the devil and he will flee!

Use these verses when you know you're being afflicted. Thank God for His execution of justice! Thank Him until the affliction ends. The more thanksgiving, the sooner the thing will pass.

What's Sex Got to do with It?

Being a widow has created a huge list of questions that I've put before the Father. I know that many of my friends joke about sex, but on the whole I get the feeling that they could take it or leave it. I thought the same thing when I could be intimate with my husband, but now he's gone! I'm young. I'm still sexual. So God, what about sex? What do we do now that we are alone?

Paul said widows under the age of 60 should remarry because they tend to lust or "burn" and grow away from God. HELP God.

If you're a widow and have heard an answer, please comment. All others please leave room for widows to respond as I can tell you that you have NO idea what it is to live in the shoes of a woman who has lost her spouse. I've lost children and it didn't compare to the mourning process I'm living through today.

I realize the graphic and open nature of this subject. I think we've skirted the issues of everyday life long enough. Paul was bold enough to say something so I am bold enough to put this out there. Hoping for some responses, believing God will respond as well.

Fear Not

One of the greatest obstacles I've had to overcome (and continue to work on) as a widow is fear. It manifests itself in so many different ways that it can and has snuck up on me more times than I care to recall. I know that fear is an enemy to humanity so my situation isn't unique, it's simply my situation so it's more personal to me right this moment. The word of God declares that "perfect love" casts out fear. The only way to access perfect love is to remain in contact with God on a perpetual basis. We are told to pray without ceasing. We mustn't shun this advice out of religious ideology regarding prayer. Prayer is both worship and communication with God through His spirit. If we take on the attitude that we are talking to God with every word we speak our words will be better chosen. God promises to "inhabit" the praises of His people. If our words are carefully chosen and we regularly thank God for those things He HAS promised in His word we line ourselves up to receive answers from Him. Perfect love speaks of completion and maturity. When we read 1 Corinthians 13 and run through the list of love it's obvious that love takes self control on a higher or more mature level. We grow as we act upon the word. The more patience and long suffering we practice, the more we will have to give. Love is patient. Patience isn't putting up with a given situation, but putting faith in God to confirm His word with signs following. Just as a farmer sows seeds and is patient for the harvest knowing if he tends the seed he WILL reap a harvest. We patiently wait for God's word to produce a harvest once we've sown the seed and tended it. In time we will reap IF we faint not. God fully expects His word to produce. We too must trust His seed to do what He sent it to do. Mark 9:23 tells us, "If you can believe, all things are possible to him that believes". Widows are faced with what seems like unending sorrow and impossible situations. Our souls are rent when our husbands die. Surreal is how our situations feel so much of the time. People don't want to be faced with the sorrow and suffering we are experiencing so they tend to hide from us. There are those, however, who go out of their way to help the widow. God puts something special in those people. Thank God for these special gifts to the Body!!! I am confident I will survive widowhood and join the ranks of successful single folks across the planet. The journey gets easier with each passing day. As I speak to other widows I can see that this road is a tough one, but not insurmountable! I believe I will come out on the positive side of this valley of the shadow of death for with God on my side I shall fear NO evil. Praise His Holy name - love never fails.